Advocate: No easy way out of violent relationships

Courtney Gass was in volatile relationship that she didn’t know how to end or was unwilling or was too scared to get out of, friends and family members said.

Long before gunshots were fired in a San Antonio apartment last week killing Gass, her daughter and a friend, police records, court documents and social services files that had been piling up support that claim. The couple had been involved in at least five police calls involving disputes that led to violence.

Family and friends said even when Gass did break away, the 26-year-old returned to an environment that was dangerous and likely resulted in her death.

Now her boyfriend, Christopher Allgood, is charged in her slaying and is the primary suspect for killing Gass’ 2-year-old daughter, Anika, and Kevin Bones, a Texas City native who was visiting.

As San Antonio police continue to piece together why the three Texas City natives were gunned down and confirm who committed all three homicides, the message from one expert about what likely led to the killings is clear — domestic violence is at epidemic proportions.

“There’s a lot to this,” Bay Area Turning Point President Diane Savage said. “As a society, we have to take a stand that we don’t tolerate the abuse of any living thing.”

Turning Point is one of two women’s shelters and domestic violence resource centers for the Galveston Bay region. The other is the Resource and Crisis Center of Galveston County, but after Hurricane Ike, it is not offering residential services.

Savage said her organization provided counseling through its 24-hour hot line for 6,680 people and shelter for 789 women and children last year. On Saturday, 72 women and children were staying at the shelter, which is at capacity and is turning people away.

Long-Range Hopes

It might sound simplistic, but people often stay in abusive relationships because they aren’t wired to give up, Savage said.

“None of us go into a relationship with the thought of leaving the relationship,” she said. “We enter a relationship with a prospect of a long and healthy relationship, to develop a life with someone else.”

It’s the same for both women and men, she said. While most people think of the young woman who envisions the walk to the aisle at her wedding, men also think in terms of finding a partner for life, she said.

That is why at the core of any abusive relationship there is the inability or unwillingness to walk away, Savage said.

“With children, there’s a whole new dynamic,” Savage said. “When women with children leave, they typically have less resources. Or the partner says, ‘You can leave, but you are not taking my child’ and the child becomes a pawn.”

Long Before The Slap

Savage said a violent relationship often doesn’t start as a physical altercation.

“Before that first slap in the face, there’s been a lot of psychological abuse, so the victim is somewhat numb to being a victim,” she said. “It’s after all the tearing down of her self-esteem. It is almost attacking her soul’s ability to believe she is lovable.

“We are all our emotions. If you have someone chipping away at you, then when you look in the mirror, you see that you are who you are told you are.”

Leaving Isn’t Simple

In 30 years of counseling abused woman and leading workshops on family violence, Savage said the No. 1 question remains: Why does she stay?

That question puts all the accountability on the victim.

“I am not saying the victims don’t have a responsibility, but the first question should be: Why does he abuse her?” Savage said. “He can leave. He has choices, too. It is not her total responsibility to stop that violence. He plays a bigger responsibility.”

For those who decide to get away, leaving is easier said than done.

“Leaving takes some planning,” Savage said. “Planning for resources, planning for self-efficiency, planning to be in a safe place. You have to have a plan that you can put in place.”

Savage said, on average, a woman will leave and return to an abusive partner five times before leaving for good.

“There are lots of reasons for that,” she said. “When bad things happen in our life, we justify things. We lie to ourselves.”

Often the victim hears her abuser pledge he will change or will seek counseling. Even then, the victim believes she has to be the one to make the relationship survive.

“She returns because of a continued hope and belief that it’s going to change if she just works a little harder,” Savage said. “It takes two people working a relationship to have a healthy relationship.”

Finding Help

What should family members or friends who have a loved one whom they believe is stuck in an abusive relationship do?

Savage cautions they should not go it alone. She said often family members and friends are at a disadvantage in convincing a woman to leave because they are afraid that if pushed too hard, the victim will sever ties. Friends or family also might fear putting themselves at risk.

“Really, that conversation is better left in the hands of people who do this every day,” Savage said. “We can look at something in black-and-white terms and lay it all out on the table. We are also a safe venue.”

That conversation can be pointed.

“We can chart the history of violence, write it down and say, (our) fear here is this is a pattern that will lead to your death.”

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Resources For Victims Of Abuse

Bay Area Turning Point

Hotline: 281-286-2525

Services: Residential services, counseling and workshops for victims, family and abusers

Online: www.bayarea turningpoint.org

Resource and Crisis Center of Galveston County

Hotline: 888-919-7233

Services: Nonresidential services, counseling

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Outreach Centers

• Texas City — Open 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday. Call 409-942-4357.

• League City — Open 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Tuesdays and Thursdays. Call 281-57-9051.

On The Web: www.rccgc.org