Tomorrow, I am going to do something that I just cannot recall doing since childhood.
I’m going to read a Bible lesson in a place of worship.
Yes, yes, I know. My heathen sense of humor is hardly the starting point for a second career at the pulpit.
But it’s all in a terrifically good cause — and the chaplain who asked me to render this kind service is a wonderful lady who reminds me of Loretta Swit.
You remember Miss Swit; she played Maj. Margaret Houlihan in the 1970s TV series “M.A.S.H.”
Margaret was the curvaceous blonde whom Hawkeye and the gang nicknamed “Hotlips.”
It seems I’m the only person who can get away with calling the chaplain “Hotlips” — something to do with my English accent, apparently.
So, I guess I should ’fess up and admit that it was the sight of Chaplain Karen in fatigues that persuaded me I should be as helpful as I can in her domain.
She was in fatigues because it’s the most suitable garb for her task of looking after the seafarers who come into port in Galveston and Texas City.
Forever dashing up and down gangplanks, she would not get too far too quickly in a cassock, you see.
Anyway, the event at which I’m to read is the post-Hurricane-Ike reopening of Galveston Seafarers Center, on the corner of 20th and Mechanic streets.
It all kicks off at 2 p.m. and promises to be a grand affair, with one blessing in the rebuilt center’s chapel and another at the waterside, at the end of the pier along the street.
In case you’re intrigued, Dear Reader, I should tell you that it’s all open to the public and you’re most welcome to attend.
Indeed, if the thought of listening to a Limey reading from the Old Testament doesn’t fill you with eager anticipation, just think of the food at the reception afterward.
By that time, I’ll probably be out of sight, having been whisked into a corner for a thorough lesson in proper pastoral behavior by the likes of Rev. David Green and Rev. Barrett Ingram, who also will be at the blessing as members of the Seafarers Center’s board of directors.
The only rule I entreat you to observe is that on no account whatsoever should you address our beloved chaplain as “Hotlips.” Her name — and I kid you not — is Parsons.
Oh, heck; I can just see this all going terribly wrong. Perhaps I’ll play safe by hiding in the confessional.
Englishman and former Fleet Street journalist Ian White is editor of Applause. You can contact him by e-mail at ian.white(at)galvnews.com.
